Simplifying rose names
This morning's bear

I say, I say, I say...

After last time’s treatise on the way roses are named - “yawn,” said one reader in an email – I promised “something lighter”.

OK, here goes: gardening jokes. It's back to vaudeville where the comic's iconic intro - "I say, I say, I say..." let's you know there's a terrible joke on the way.

To be honest they’re all pretty corny - like jazz jokes, which are mainly about saxophone players who can’t play in tune - but here are some of the least bad. Be sure you keep going till the end.

I say, I say, I say...: Why do potatoes make good detectives?
I don't know, Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.

What's green and walks through walls?
Casper the friendly cucumber.

What do you call a stolen yam?

A hot potato.

What do you get if you cross a dog with a daisy?
A collie-flower.

What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots?
String beans.

Why did the potatoes get a divorce?
Because they couldn’t see eye to eye.

What did the carrot say to the wheat?

Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.

What kind of socks does a gardener wear?

Garden hose.

What was green and a great trick shooter?

Annie Okra

What gets bigger the more you take away?
A hole.

What is a Honeymoon Salad?

Lettuce alone, with no dressing.

What do you call a grumpy and short tempered gardener?

A SnapDragon.

Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks? 

The Salad Bar.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?

A lawn moo-er.

What is green and goes to a summer camp? 

A Brussels' scout.

What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower? 

Shredded tweet.

Why did the tomato turn red? 

Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you get if you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy? 

A rash of good luck.

What is small, red and whispers?
A hoarse radish.

How do you stop moles digging in your garden?
Hide their shovels.

Why did the bull rush?

Because he saw the cow slip

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Paint his toe nails red

What's red and square?
A banana in disguise

Why did the Golden Delicious go to jail?
He was a rotten apple.

And these two (mainly for UK readers) posted as comments on another blog – from the excellent garden writer Martyn Cox:

What do you get if you cross Ilkley's most famous gardening son with an object of bad taste?

Alan Kitschmarsh

Did you hear the contemporary artist who shocked the art world with his sculpture of Brassica rapa Rapifera Group?

He was awarded the Turnip Prize.

And my four faves:

Why do melons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?


What do you get if you divide the circumference 
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

All unashamedly stolen from these other websites and blogs. Thank you.
Jokes, Puns, Riddles, One-Liners and Humor for Gardeners
David Hobson's Garden Mumour
The Veg Plotting blog

The garden jokes on the Nest in Style blog blog are just so corny I can’t bring myself to quote any!

Please add any more good gardening jokes as comments. Thank you!


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Miss Snippy

What do you get when you pour steaming water down a rabbit hole?

-Hot, cross bunnies


This isn't a joke, but it is suitably plant-related. A favorite of my grandfather: I pine fir yew, and then I balsam.

Graham Rice

Great! Thanks, Miss Snippy, Thanks Jan!

Hot cross bunnies...! Let's hope we have't offended the animal rights joke police...

Mike Grant

One of my favourites (I think I first heard it on Gardeners' Question Time radio show):
What's the most dangerous plant to sit under in the garden?
– A water lily.

And another I heard from Roy Lancaster, you can string it out a bit if you want:
Mummy potato sends out her 3 daughter potatoes to get married.
First daughter comes back: 'I'm marrying a Jersey Royal.' Mother: 'Great choice, good breeding.'
Second daughter comes back: 'I'm marrying King Edward.' Mother: 'Great choice, good breeding.'
Third daughter comes back: 'I'm marrying Des Lynam.' Mother: 'You can't do that, he's common tater.'

Mike Grant

that should have said 'he's a common tater', and to US readers, he's a sports commentator, and tater is English slang for potato!

Graham Rice

Thanks Mike... I like the water lily one.

For US readers: "sports commentator" = sportscaster. And 'Des Lynam' is a variety of potato named after one of Britain's best known sportscasters. Kinda spoils the joke, doesn't it, when so many explanations are necessary!

But Mike: know any good botanical jokes?

Mike Grant

Well, there isn't actually a potato cultivar called 'Des Lynam' as far as I know, I believe the daughter potato actually chose to marry a human rather than a potato. Just to spoil the joke even more! Perhaps I should have used some cultivar quote marks.

I can't think of any botanical jokes, unless Geranium rectum counts! It's available from a number of nurseries.


My favorite joke of childhood:
What's green and has feet:
I don't know what is green and has feet?
Grass---I lied about the feet.



You're welcome!

As for botanical jokes, Silybum marianum always makes my nephew giggle, but then he is 8 years old!

Digger Evans

Not a joke but a gardening verse, told to me by my very dear uncle.
Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden,
Were feeling rather jolly,
But what will they do in the wintertime, when the only leaves are holly?

Graham Rice

Thanks everyone... great to have more jokes.

Yes, Silybum is always great to give an eight year old the giggles. But park him in front of a squirting cucumber - Ecballium elaterium - when its fruits are ripe and that will give him (and older kids too, of course, not to mention the rest of us) a huge laugh.

Martyn Cox

What is Vitis vinifera's favourite movie of all time...The Grape Escape!

Graham Rice

Excellent Martyn! Do sit and stare out of the window and make these up when you're supposed to be "working"?!


I haven't found him any squirting cucumbers yet and they're loads of fun aren't they? I can remember lots of fieldwork being disrupted in Mallorca because of their antics! BUT he and his sister loved the sensitive and carnivorous plants we found at a garden centre recently.

Ron Rabideau

Extremely humorous plant names and horticultural book titles! Wicked even.

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