Last night at the local supermarket I spotted these: Blue poinsettias – and lilac poinsettias! I’d heard about them but never quite believed it could be true. I thought the red ones were bad enough. Silly me. The lilac one makes me feel especially ill.

These abominations are coming your way, Brits. Perhaps even with added glitter.

They're the perfect present for someone you’re obliged to buy for – but secretly hate! But guess what: after about a week they will start turning red.

And let’s be clear: any plant dyed blue is a sin against nature. Glad we’ve got that clear. Happy Holidays!